featherwizard: (aang)
[personal profile] featherwizard
It's finally December! I'm kind of surprised I made it.

Leaving aside my new and potentially deadly health problems (current count of necessary daily medications: 6) and the cancer scare, I was so out of it that looking back I'm surprised I didn't cause accidents. It's a miracle. I had no idea how bad things were getting until I finally got proper treatment and started feeling better. This whole year was full of miracles that let me get through it.

I had a lot of plans at the beginning of this year. I was going to detach myself from my family so I could make personal progress instead of being a caretaker. I was going to move for graduate school. I was going to start managing my health more proactively and exercising more. I was going to participate in the Highlander rewatch and the ATLA rewatch, publish some fic, finish a game I've been wanting to play for ages.

I did actually make major progress on some life goals. But a whole lot of things fell by the wayside.

In the middle of all this chaos, I didn't feel like I had good reasons for not getting things done. I suppose that when you sleep on the couch because you're too tired to crawl from the living room to the bedroom it's a bit much to expect rationality, but at the time I felt perfectly rational and just lazy.

Looking back from my properly-treated standpoint, I'm surprised at how much I did get done. I succeeded at my job and my volunteer work, at managing a complex and stressful move, at not dying of exhaustion-induced stupidity, at being a good roommate and family member and pet owner. I made choices throughout to let some things slide and picked my battles despite literally not being able to see straight. The things I let slide were important, and I'm deeply upset that I didn't vacuum for 3 months (ew! ew!), but cutting things out let me survive. What I could cut and what I needed probably wouldn't have worked for anyone else, but I was the one getting through it. I know my needs better now - I am better at both compromising and defending my boundaries.

My stress threshold is much higher now. I'm grateful for that. The past few years have been an intense nightmare, but the overall impact has been to teach me that anything short of my aged parent collapsing in the shower isn't worth freaking out over. That really, nothing is worth freaking out over. Freaking out means you're too shaky to drive to the hospital, or find new places to live, or any number of things.

A lot of people are justifiably upset, afraid and enraged over recent events. I am too. But it's not impacting me in the same way that it would have a few years ago. I'm very happy about that. I can feel happy now.
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featherwizard

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